I fucking hate our loop tape.

I am going to defer. I'm going to have a break.

Going straight from 12/ 13 years of school to an intenst program at university is a bad idea. Everyone I talk to at uni, who are maily 19-25 say that I should defer and live my life, make sure my head is straight and all that.

I know that university isn't designed for school leavers.

That's why I'm deferring. My parents support it. And it's not like I'm part of the 20% drop outs.

I think that if I'm going to survive uni I need to throw away my issues with authority and rules and... basically everything that is me.

I need to mature a whole lot before I go back.

I need to come out of this want to be depressed and this paranoia and these suicidal thoughts that confuse me.

The only way I can do that is to slow right down. Take it down a notch. For once in my conscious life (meaning the years that I can remember, 6 years old) not worry about dead lines. Being late. Getting in trouble for getting something wrong. Being lazy.

I'm going to be a bum and not do anything. My brain is tired. I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted. Yes, highschool WAS that horrible for me.

It totally screwed me up. Before I came to high school, I didn't care about how I looked. I didn't care about my grades. I didn't care about the future.

Now all I care about is if I'm going to meet someone. If I'm going to be successful. Be rich. Happy.

I shouldn't have to worry about that. I'm fucking 17. And I'm going to be 17 again.

I feel like im 17 going on 24.

I don't like feeling like an adult.

So I'm pausing my degree and breathing.

And getting happy.

And finding that one true thing in my life that will keep me going.