This is the end of everything, you are the end of everything.

It's my last test for uni today. Last test for a long time, hopefully.

I'm looking forward to finishing it. Getting out of there.

I'm not looking forward to that fact that, without travelling to university everyday, I won't have any exercise. Walking up that hill, to the bus stop and all that was my exercise. So I'm going to have to jog or something. I'll figure it out.

This last test is of the hardest subject. Mainly because there are a tonne of definitions, some are very similar but mean different things in different contexts. So that's going to be fun.

I love the challenge of a test. I love the satisfaction when I finish a test early. This time, I'll put my pencil down and never have to do a test for at least two years.

It also means that this is one of my last posts on this blog. I'm not sure whether to delete it or not. I'll figure it out. Most likely I'll just leave it.

Hopefully the next time I post on here, I will be with my results. My passing results. :)

Tests tests tests tests.

Final exams this week. Oh jesus.

At the end of year 12, I told myself that I would wholly apply myself and study hard. Somewhere deep dpwn I know those promises were to keep my happy about my decision to go to university.

I haven't studied. Assignments have been down at the last minute and like at school, I'm passing and that's all that counts. So I don't see the point in trying to reach any higher. The only thing is... I need a certain GPA to get into an honours course. And without an honours course I can't be a psychologist, I don't think. So... that's great.

I think I've made a decision to join the force anyway. It seems the easiest way to get where I want. Last night I heard that there is only one proflier in Australia. One. And that's not me. Most of the people in my psychology course are wanting to be forensic profilers. So a police man could be cool. The next thing up is a detective which is a little appealing.

So my options have opened up a little, and they don't all rest on me finishing my course. I'm not torn whether I will go back or not. It's 2 years away so I'm not stressing now. And at this moment, if you asked me if I wanted to go back I would absolutely say no.

But perhaps when I'm mature. Ready. Responsible. Travelled. Determined. I'll go back.

I am freaking paying for it all. Ugh.

1008PSY tomorrow. 1005 Wednesday. 1009 Thursday. 1001 Friday. First exams is at 8:30 in the morning.

What the fuck were the organisers thinking? "Oh hey, lets make all the exams after each other and the first one early in the morning." Thanks, jerk offs.

So glad I'm not working tonight.

La la la.

Oh boy. I'm so glad that it's nearly over. I have one more day left of classes. Then a week off. Then four exams. Then nothing. Uni will be over. And it's a great feeling.

So a run down on how I went? So far I'm surprisingly passing everything. Which is great. I mean, I don't want to stay but atleast I'll get credited for all this shit that I went through.

I don't know if I will ever go back. I keep telling myself I will but I'm renowned for never following through on anything I say.

I want to go back. I want to be able to say I completed a university degree. But I'm not sure if Psychology is what I want to do. I still want to be a forensic psychologist but I can think of other ways to get there. Apparently I only have to do a year and a half of study or something (and turn 25) before I'm eligible to join the force. And I can work my way up that way I guess. There will be a lot more work but if I were to finish my degree, honors and all. Then I would have to join the police force. I'd still have to wait until I was 25. I'd just have a full degree behind me. So... eh. I would also like to work at a rehab clinic or something. Not the ones that just drug them all up. The one like Halle Berry in Gothika. Sounds like a plan.

No matter what I choose to do with regard to uni, I know it will have something to do with people. And their brains. And their thoughts.

As much as I hate people... they interest me so fucking much.

Let's make this last for ever. And ever.

I can't believe uni hasn't done what I wanted it to do. I can't believe I stressed for this shit.

So now I start to stress about uni. I have two pieces of assessment due on Monday and... I haven't started them. It's invigorating though, to see if I can do them and pass. Test myself. Yes, this is my entertainment. *sigh*. As I was saying I'm stressed but today I realised that by simply writing down each piece of assessment in date order, I feel calmer. And more prepared. The way I work, I guess. I should be freaking out, studying frantically, panicking. That's not me. At all. I used to get so worked up about school. Until my parents said they aren't pressuring me and they understand. From then on I've taken it all a day at a time. Not caring if I have a test tomorrow. I'll worry about that tomorrow. Here is my work schedule: (we're in week 9 now)

Week 10: 1001 Lab report 1500 words.
1005 Essay 1500 words
1008 BST#2

Week 11: 1008 Essay 1500 words

Week 12: 1001 Debate (So fucking excited I could kill myself)

Week 13: 1008 BST#3

Week 14 onwards: Exam blocks.

Karli, please, tell me yours. For some reason, knowing someone else has a busy schedule makes me feel less alienated from all my friends.

To Do:

1005CCJ Test week 8.
1008PSY BST test Week 10
1001PSY Lab Report Week 10
1005CCJ Essay Week 10
1009PSY Debate Week 12
1001,1008,1009PSY and 1005CCJ End of semester test Week 13-15

I'm so FUCKING excited.

Someone else tell me their agenda.

Make me feel less crap.

Fuck.

My family don't get why I'm deferring uni.

Fuck them. I've told them. I need time off. I'm practically 18 and I don't have a fucking life because I have uni and work. I can't go out. I can't be young while I'm young. So fuck them for not seeing that. They're so FUCKING proud their eldest is off to big(ger) school.

I'm sick to fucking death of making my family happy. It's ridiculous. They say there is not pressure and I can do what I want but as soon as I bring up DEFERRING UNI (it's not even quitting, I'm still enrolled) they go off the rails. They think I'm not going to go back.

The more I think about it, the more I think I won't go back. But I've got to give it a chance, right?

This is my decision, I'm paying for it.

So fuck off and when you say I can do what I want when I want, fucking stick to it.

FUCK.

If you need an excuse...

The only good thing about my degree at the moment is 1001PSY. The lecturer is a bore. But the subject matter is way awesome. It's all about how our brain figures things out. Cognitive psychology it's called. Has to do with neurons and the chemical impulses which travel down the axon to the terminal buttons that connect to either a muscle cell, a gland or another neuron and release baby molecules that lock into place. Then they send messages. It's ridiculously cool. We also learn about cool things like the cocktail party effect.

It basically explains eavesdropping. So if you need an excuse... tell them it's animal nature. If you're in a large group of people and you're talking to a few people and across the room someone says your name, your ears will pick it up and you'll lose attention to who ever you're talking to and pay attention to wherever your name came from.

We've all experienced this, right? Right.

The reason is that pretty much as soon as we're born we are interested in anything to do with ourselves.

We've also learned that what we call common sense can sometimes be a genetic disorder which can prevent 'common' sense. Like being about to figure out words without hearing them "putting 2 and 2 together". If we see an incomplete circle our brain will not automatically tell us that it is a 'c' because it isn't, it just has a break. So we disregard the break and know that it is actually a circle. With a break. A lot of optical illusions are designed to put two opposite images in one setting to confuse our brain. Creating the "trippy" effect that we see optical illusions as. So in one lecture we were just looking at all these types of optical illusions haha. It was great.






I still hate uni :)



Just so you know.

Don't drink warheads in the morning.

First assessment = DONE.

I have another test today. I'm a little worried. Because it's all about the history of psychology and the types of psychology methods out there. And I'm pretty sure our marks go up on the internet.

It's times like those I'll be glad to have a number as identification :)

I hate using public transport to get to uni but it's cheaper. Way cheaper.

Today I'm travelling in peak hour traffic, to the city. That means that the whole of brisbane is going to try and squeeze onto the bus. Ugh.

I think I'm going to go to the shops today and buy a cd :) I figured out that I have nearly $50.

I'm meeting with my peer mentor today, not that I need to. I know where everything is and I've found how to organise myself. Because she disappeared for like... 3 weeks.

And I have a meeting with my learning group, we're going to be doing activites to do with good listening skills. Should be fun. My lecturer for 1009PSY reminds me of teakle... so I don't take anything in this class seriously. Most people from uni find this course so intriguing and interesting. I think it's a waste of my time. And I think that I shouldn't have to do it.

I don't care if I'm a good listener or not.

:)

I fucking hate our loop tape.

I am going to defer. I'm going to have a break.

Going straight from 12/ 13 years of school to an intenst program at university is a bad idea. Everyone I talk to at uni, who are maily 19-25 say that I should defer and live my life, make sure my head is straight and all that.

I know that university isn't designed for school leavers.

That's why I'm deferring. My parents support it. And it's not like I'm part of the 20% drop outs.

I think that if I'm going to survive uni I need to throw away my issues with authority and rules and... basically everything that is me.

I need to mature a whole lot before I go back.

I need to come out of this want to be depressed and this paranoia and these suicidal thoughts that confuse me.

The only way I can do that is to slow right down. Take it down a notch. For once in my conscious life (meaning the years that I can remember, 6 years old) not worry about dead lines. Being late. Getting in trouble for getting something wrong. Being lazy.

I'm going to be a bum and not do anything. My brain is tired. I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted. Yes, highschool WAS that horrible for me.

It totally screwed me up. Before I came to high school, I didn't care about how I looked. I didn't care about my grades. I didn't care about the future.

Now all I care about is if I'm going to meet someone. If I'm going to be successful. Be rich. Happy.

I shouldn't have to worry about that. I'm fucking 17. And I'm going to be 17 again.

I feel like im 17 going on 24.

I don't like feeling like an adult.

So I'm pausing my degree and breathing.

And getting happy.

And finding that one true thing in my life that will keep me going.

I'm stressed out because I'm not stressed out.

I don't have any assignments but everyone is talking about them. And I'm fucking freaking out. If I fail uni I will kill myself.

And I'm not even being over dramatic. I'm not kidding.

Everyone is so happy that they're in uni. People are all like "yeah I have a UNI break so I'm going to get some lunch" I don't fucking care that you're at uni. It doesn't mean that you're cool. At all. Nearly everyone is going to uni, dick head. Stop trying to make something of nothing. I'm sick of it all. I don't like uni. I've decided it's horrible. It might be too early to make a judgement. But that's my initial impression.

Fuck.

Waste of my money so far.

Yeah it's creeping up slowly

It's just so boring. I've met people now, finally. I mean, I'm not friends with them, but I know some of their names.


Ugh, looks like even friendships that start in uni are going to be forced. Great.

I'm far, far to tired to continue on with anything. Work. Uni. Cleaning the house. Babysitting my brother.

And now I'm starting earlier. I could have said no. Anyway.

University has high expectations, I really hope they're met. Preferably before 29th march.

:).

I'm out... to my other blog.

Orientation.

Hey, this IS my second blog. It MAY not get read at all.

Here is the deal. I didn't want to clog my other blog "Venti-Sette" with rants about uni.

You guessed it, geniuses, this is my uni blog. Where I hope to give you an TRUE vision of what uni is. And how much it will screw me up. Perhaps this will turn into one of my essays :)

Ok. University so far is ...


Crap!


It's boring. Everyone is really judgemental of the new kids. I have nothing to study, yet I feel like I should be studying something constantly. All of my friends that are attending uni have assignments while I'm left in the dust waiting for something to happen. I'm anxious about whether I'm in the right room. Whether I'll meet someone, anyone. Whether I'll be an outcast because I don't like people. I feel out of it whenever I enter the grounds. The campus is big, but not big enough to sit by yourself. I don't know anyone there. No one from my school goes to this campus as far as I can see. My text books are heavy. I can't write notes during the lecture, and any notes that I do write, I try to cover them up, in case someone is reading them. In case I'm writing the wrong thing. Or writing something that is already on the slides. I feel like a number in the lecture theatres. I'm in a room with over 250 people. I hate that. I hate that wearing band shirts is still unaccepted. I have an assignment due in two weeks and I don't even know what it is on because we haven't got the assignment pack yet. The amount of information about Griffith Online is overwhelming. I can only check my emails and black board. I don't like the library because it has this feel of arrogance. I have to use public transport to get there... enough said. I feel fat and horrible when I eat there. And I don't know why. The theatres get really cold. The seats get uncomfortable. When someone moves, the whole row of seats move and it gives me motion sickness. I have to arrive at least 30 minutes before any of my lectures just to insure that I get a seat. If I get there on time, chances are that I will not get a seat and have to go to 'the over flow room'. I hate that there is an overflow room. I thought I would like the fact that other people would be doing psychology but I really didn't think I'd get jealous. I have this fucking arrogance that makes me thing I'm the only one who knows how I think.

You could call this whinging, I suppose. I'm just being honest. Something I think is lost. I do not like uni so far. I hope it gets better.

I really do.

Other wise it's a fucking waste of money.