I fucking hate our loop tape.

I am going to defer. I'm going to have a break.

Going straight from 12/ 13 years of school to an intenst program at university is a bad idea. Everyone I talk to at uni, who are maily 19-25 say that I should defer and live my life, make sure my head is straight and all that.

I know that university isn't designed for school leavers.

That's why I'm deferring. My parents support it. And it's not like I'm part of the 20% drop outs.

I think that if I'm going to survive uni I need to throw away my issues with authority and rules and... basically everything that is me.

I need to mature a whole lot before I go back.

I need to come out of this want to be depressed and this paranoia and these suicidal thoughts that confuse me.

The only way I can do that is to slow right down. Take it down a notch. For once in my conscious life (meaning the years that I can remember, 6 years old) not worry about dead lines. Being late. Getting in trouble for getting something wrong. Being lazy.

I'm going to be a bum and not do anything. My brain is tired. I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted. Yes, highschool WAS that horrible for me.

It totally screwed me up. Before I came to high school, I didn't care about how I looked. I didn't care about my grades. I didn't care about the future.

Now all I care about is if I'm going to meet someone. If I'm going to be successful. Be rich. Happy.

I shouldn't have to worry about that. I'm fucking 17. And I'm going to be 17 again.

I feel like im 17 going on 24.

I don't like feeling like an adult.

So I'm pausing my degree and breathing.

And getting happy.

And finding that one true thing in my life that will keep me going.

I'm stressed out because I'm not stressed out.

I don't have any assignments but everyone is talking about them. And I'm fucking freaking out. If I fail uni I will kill myself.

And I'm not even being over dramatic. I'm not kidding.

Everyone is so happy that they're in uni. People are all like "yeah I have a UNI break so I'm going to get some lunch" I don't fucking care that you're at uni. It doesn't mean that you're cool. At all. Nearly everyone is going to uni, dick head. Stop trying to make something of nothing. I'm sick of it all. I don't like uni. I've decided it's horrible. It might be too early to make a judgement. But that's my initial impression.

Fuck.

Waste of my money so far.

Yeah it's creeping up slowly

It's just so boring. I've met people now, finally. I mean, I'm not friends with them, but I know some of their names.


Ugh, looks like even friendships that start in uni are going to be forced. Great.

I'm far, far to tired to continue on with anything. Work. Uni. Cleaning the house. Babysitting my brother.

And now I'm starting earlier. I could have said no. Anyway.

University has high expectations, I really hope they're met. Preferably before 29th march.

:).

I'm out... to my other blog.

Orientation.

Hey, this IS my second blog. It MAY not get read at all.

Here is the deal. I didn't want to clog my other blog "Venti-Sette" with rants about uni.

You guessed it, geniuses, this is my uni blog. Where I hope to give you an TRUE vision of what uni is. And how much it will screw me up. Perhaps this will turn into one of my essays :)

Ok. University so far is ...


Crap!


It's boring. Everyone is really judgemental of the new kids. I have nothing to study, yet I feel like I should be studying something constantly. All of my friends that are attending uni have assignments while I'm left in the dust waiting for something to happen. I'm anxious about whether I'm in the right room. Whether I'll meet someone, anyone. Whether I'll be an outcast because I don't like people. I feel out of it whenever I enter the grounds. The campus is big, but not big enough to sit by yourself. I don't know anyone there. No one from my school goes to this campus as far as I can see. My text books are heavy. I can't write notes during the lecture, and any notes that I do write, I try to cover them up, in case someone is reading them. In case I'm writing the wrong thing. Or writing something that is already on the slides. I feel like a number in the lecture theatres. I'm in a room with over 250 people. I hate that. I hate that wearing band shirts is still unaccepted. I have an assignment due in two weeks and I don't even know what it is on because we haven't got the assignment pack yet. The amount of information about Griffith Online is overwhelming. I can only check my emails and black board. I don't like the library because it has this feel of arrogance. I have to use public transport to get there... enough said. I feel fat and horrible when I eat there. And I don't know why. The theatres get really cold. The seats get uncomfortable. When someone moves, the whole row of seats move and it gives me motion sickness. I have to arrive at least 30 minutes before any of my lectures just to insure that I get a seat. If I get there on time, chances are that I will not get a seat and have to go to 'the over flow room'. I hate that there is an overflow room. I thought I would like the fact that other people would be doing psychology but I really didn't think I'd get jealous. I have this fucking arrogance that makes me thing I'm the only one who knows how I think.

You could call this whinging, I suppose. I'm just being honest. Something I think is lost. I do not like uni so far. I hope it gets better.

I really do.

Other wise it's a fucking waste of money.